Archive | October, 2011

“I want to be me AND still win each time”- message sent to: God

27 Oct

I’m trying to sort out my emotions as I begin typing this. 😕 Maybe, I spoke too soon the last time- I realize that I still imagine an ideal world and feel like I’m grating myself, day after day, in the process of finding it.

It takes ALL I possess to be as honest and sincere as I am. Insincerity, deceit, temptation and sin can get strong when everyone else is following it. I’ve known that before, but I’m now reminded of how sapping the effect of its pull can be.

If I bothered asking anyone what they thought of that, they would very easily say, “You’re doing what you’re doing for you. Don’t crib and act like a saint then.” Aha! 😀 😀 (Yep! Sarcastic laughter, indeed.) Very well then folks- point taken. I’m doing all that I’m doing for me. I’m doing it because the morals I’ve learnt are so deeply ingrained in my head that the magnetism of the easy, wrong path might stretch my soul, in an attempt to throw it out of my being; but my heart WILLS relentlessly to stay rooted. I cannot explain that any better and I don’t think you should try comprehending, if what I’ve just said hasn’t made any sense to you at all. Let’s end by saying, we’re different and leave it at that, if required.

Following the right path has had me appear weird, feel unaccepted, get taken for granted, sound whiny/ unsocial/ nutty and as if all of that wasn’t enough, left me speechless on occasions where name-calling would have been easy and extremely justified.

I’m tired and drained- for now. I’ll lie still and get back up on my feet, I know; it’ll be a few hours though. For now, I just want to cry. 😦 Will it change anything? No. I will just have lightened my heart enough to be able to pick up my battles again and fight. Fight, I will; even if like they tell me, all of this goes on to kill me. Am I being stubborn? I don’t think so. Principled? YES.

Where is God when I need him? If he is busy for now, even Gandhiji would do. I’d gladly grab a few pointers on how he went about things being him. Don’t take me wrong. I’m not trying to be him. I’m being me– and take it from me, that’s being a LOT.

Advertisements

What to do and what not to…

24 Oct

Sometimes, I wonder- Don’t ALL people come from God? Don’t we all have a heart that still belongs to Him? 😕 😕 Why then, would anyone treat someone else worse than they’d treat a street dog? (Not that any street dog deserves to be treated badly.)

I am thinking as I question you. What is it? The arrogance of being at the paying end? The gross misconception of being more knowledgeable about all that life has to offer? The authoritativeness that stems from being born in the lap of luxury or from living in it now? The egotism that grows out of being fortunate enough to be more literate than the opposite person?? Or is it the pain and irritation of being afflicted with suffering that seemingly (in their minds) no one else understands? [VERY likely, this; but one has to be wise enough to be able to look beyond themselves after a while, at least, right??]

I understand bad behavior to a certain extent- I do. In fact, I personally encourage relieving one’s stress as and when it’s levels shoot up rather than building it all up within oneself. Everybody needs an outlet once in a while; but to see someone taking liberties with every other, only to find that none of it got followed with even a simple apology in due course, I start to question said person’s brain power, character, common sense quotient, the very basis of their existence AND their purpose in living such a disgustingly appalling life.

Several situations occur in my day when my heart wants to intervene- it tugs at me in my chest as I convince myself to walk away from the trouble I’ll land myself into; but isn’t it the right thing to do to object when you see injustice being meted out to someone before your own eyes? Or no, let me get this right- is that role meant only for the LEAD character of a hit film to play??!

My mind wants to scream out loud and say something grotesque to calm my heart just so that I’ll move on. A part of me wants to correct the situation. And then again, a third part of me argues that each person’s attitude predetermines the situations they encounter each day- that last line isn’t my personal choice of belief; however, a book I firmly swear by says it as being true, which kind of makes it difficult for me to contradict, considering that the theories in there have helped me pick myself up from the dumps plenty of times already.

You know what? I can’t write anymore. I AM going to change the system– that is all I know and God will help me with that starting now; that fact rings out loud and clear in my soul. Wish me luck! 🙂

Looking beyond what is

15 Oct

It’s been a hard evening- let’s rephrase that- it’s been a strenuous evening for me. I’ve made peace with a lot of stressful people, today. I’ve matured. No, it isn’t that I’ve resigned, nor is it that I think of myself as being ready to take on the load of the entire universe upon my able shoulders- I have just learnt to be ‘okay’ (in the true sense of the word) with everything that isn’t in my control. I’m happier to focus on me- my goodness, sincerity and hard-work come to the fore, as they so rightly should. I observe the ones that I’m surrounded by- so often, I know what they’re up to. I’m not the once-naive girl who’d walked out of home with rose-colored dreams clouding her vision, anymore. [Not quite. 😉 Haha! Give me some credit, will you?!] I am over my agitation phase. What is just is.

I can look at everyone’s positives and magnify them in my head. Their negatives aren’t my concern now, are they?? [Unless they’re harming me, of course! In that case, I’m definitely STILL looking daggers at them!! 😀 :D] They’ve chosen to live their lives a certain way and I ought not to stop them. I am here to grow, to walk towards my greater purpose, to learn, to mature, to accept, to spread as much love, kindness and positivity as I can muster each day. My purposes are unique and I am designed as I have been to fulfil them in the best way possible. I have begun to realize that I am good. I have begun to see the Light there is in me. I am grateful because I know that I couldn’t have asked for more.

Thinking back to the ethics and professionalism that I was so defensive about earlier; I understand NOW that everyone is trying his/her best, at all times. Everyone has his/her limitations. They all get fatigued, worn-out and land up feeling over-worked. They all struggle with accepting their mistakes, while wallowing in self-pity, originating from sheer lack of praise, appreciation and gratitude for the services they have rendered to those around them. Several, if not most, have closed down their hearts with tight nuts and bolts of unloving messages like, “I know that I’ll get shouted at whether or not I do the job. So, why should I even care?” Justified, aren’t they?? Wouldn’t we all end up with similar thoughts? I know that I do, too, ever so often.

“What cannot be cured, must be endured” is what my Mother would say to this. But the fact is: far greater than the loss we face with efficiency dying down is the stigma we’ve attached to this someone’s self-pride. This person has now been made to feel sub-standard for all of his life. It WILL, more likely than not, spread to other areas of his living. It might get passed on to his/her kids because the environment we live in is where we all learn. We’re teaching so many others through this one person how they must look at their lives in turn. We’re propagating that one can never be good enough. We’re sending out a mass appeal to everyone who will listen to not even bother trying because it’ll simply be a waste of their time, effort, blood, sweat and tears. Am I blowing things out of proportion with my theory here? I don’t think so.

Put yourself in place of this person I’m referring to- if this were YOUR one chance to live life as you know it now, if YOU were the one being deprived of living with the full knowledge of how competent, powerful, resourceful, one-of-a-kind, precious, rare and IRREPLACEABLE you are- trust me, you’d be upset. You’d feel cheated. So would the ones who love you because they’d have taken your word for it on how the world around us all functions. I’m pretty certain you don’t love that picture, do you?? Or Do you? 😕

How do I propose we correct this? [Believe me when I tell you that I think up solutions, too, ever so often, rather than just being an empty noise-box that rattles on and on, endlessly.] At our own individual levels, we could try this- if their ain’t anything positive to say, we could all stay mum about it once we’ve thrown it out of our hearts/minds and made peace with it. That would put a full-stop to some of the pessimism that gets carried forward only to multiply as it stretches on. We could all say a kind word to the ones we meet when humanly possible. I might sound crazy to a few; but all of this is what has made me a happier person. It has become my only reason to wake up each morning and look forward to a brand new opportunity to light up another life- needless to mention, it all ends with me brightening my own.

More than enough for a day, huh?! I hear ya! Catch you later then!

P.S.- There are people who think I don’t talk much. Do you think you’d want to go help them get the picture right?! 😉 If nothing else, I hope you guys are coming to realize just how very lucky you’ll are turning out to be!

You’re triggering me to have the last laugh!! ;) ;) BEWARE.

12 Oct

Sometimes, when I sit down to write, I wish I knew where to begin. It isn’t easy, yet the solution is straight forward, so often. Why is it that the people in question can’t see it the way I do? Clearly, in my mind, I know that is so, simply because they’re nuts- pure nuts! 😕 Grrr!

Some are evil, some are happily ignorant, some are the cause of my suddenly-rising blood pressure and some others- they’re just not bothered about how the world around them runs or whether it even continues to function at all.

To think of it now, in my quiet solitude, I’m glad that certain events happened as they did. I am glad that I learnt important lessons out of having no other choice. I’m glad I have majority to back me, be it in the confines of the back room behind the scenes. Am I here to change things??? I wish that were possible, to be honest. It would be lovely to have made a difference to the madness that seems to be the norm. It’d be awesome to know that my voice took to the stage, turned off the dimmer switches in everyone’s heads, brought some common sense into the light, threw some ice packs in the direction of my wildly-beating heart to relax me a little and made sure that efficiency wasn’t such an impossible miracle, anymore.

If you’re the person I’m referring to, here or even anything like them, I can tell that you’re probably of the opinion that I’m talking- without any means to a cure- too much and for too long. (Oh yeah! That even, 😕 😕 which, by the way, makes me sick to my stomach. Tell me that you don’t have anything left to say in your defense instead. Tell me that you’re a pathetic loser when it comes to a sensible debate- that’d be telling the facts like they are, for a change, don’t you think?!) But sadly for your kind, I have solutions- simple ones, that if allowed, would go on to create a wave of revolution. All it takes to reform things is a peaceful, meaningful- might I add, for good measure- discussion with the ones involved. Listen to their issues, let them prioritize and think up better methods to work things out. What are you afraid of?? Losing your position to people who didn’t even study to become what you did? Tch-tch-tch-tch! It may not be a smooth ride to come to a consensus on certain [most] things in life, nor is change easy on every person’s taste-buds, but the fact that you’re continuously trying makes people feel appreciated. It makes them want to try harder to work things out, given their present circumstances even. Meanness can rock the best designed ship- now, THAT is a fact- take it or leave it!

I am now going to stop this mini-lecture on reform/ my private bashing-session and talk about me instead- because that is what I do, here. Do I care that I am having to surrender to someone else’s bitchiness? [Pardon my language.] Not really– as long as it saves me the trauma of yet another utterly useless, demeaning, DUMB, pukey conversation- I’m well-beyond happy. 😉 😉 I’ll not talk to said person, I’ll stick to my affairs and I’ll mentally rejoice for all eternity to know that they ain’t as good at their job as they think they are/ they ought to be. For once in my life, I’m learning to not expect better things in the future, while running away from my present, as fast as I can, towards a non-existent mirage. Life is and will be as we know it now. I am changing, my attitude is looking up, my way of responding to life’s challenges is improving- and my heart? It’s got to grow like never before! So, there’s still work to do in that department. I am teaching myself that there is a vast difference between an opinion and a judgement that one can form. I am practicing humor– which, for a change, is not of the sarcastic kind alone! (Yeah! Yeah! Think what you will! 😀 I ain’t stopping no one!)

It might not be a pretty picture, but I’ll last. This ain’t anywhere close to the end of me. Umm hmm. No, it ain’t! 🙂 There’s so much I’m beginning to do with my life. I’m mixing fun with the nastyness. I’m bringing back joy into my life. I’m roping in learning, knowledge and understanding to replace the anxiety, panic-attacks, stress, tears and bitterness. I am embracing pride and firing shame from the place it had usurped for so long. I am making certain that truth wins over conniving lies wrapped in greasy filth. If God exists, if the legends I’ve heard as a child are true at all, if goodness comes unto good people- I’ll win hands down- of that, I’m sure!

*****

P.S- Have you ever seen untimely rain?

Maybe, it is the universe wanting to scream out in fury because people refuse to see the obvious, so often. The struggles we fight aren’t within us alone, ’cause WE are far greater than who we actually recognize ourselves as being.

The world around us is an extension of our spirit. It contains a part of us that lights up with our growth, that fumes with us, cries with us, laughs with us and breathes with us. It is true what I read on my good blog-friend’s facebook account, recently- …if anything matters, then everything matters. Because you’re important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, My purposes are accomplished and NOTHING will be the same again.” William P. Young (The Shack).

… If anything matters, we matter. And nothing will EVER be the same again… Don’t you just love that? I am in ♥LOVE♥ with that line- it’s like I can breathe it in the air, feel it in my veins and see it exploding in my heart in pure bliss to give rise to a million happy smiles. Aww! The combination makes me want to tear up!

WE MATTER. 🙂 The roar in our hearts thunders out loud. Time talks when our silence makes it seem like we’ve quit. God lives- it’s true- to me, at least.

Have a BEA-U-TIFUL day, everybody!! I know I will. 🙂 🙂 🙂

xoxo

Look out- those footprints grow!

7 Oct

Three days ago, somewhere in the midst of the Navratri festival, I saw a little girl of about 8 or 9, strutting around on the streets in golden heels, racing in tow with her Mom. That made me literally stop in my tracks and wonder about the last pair of fancy shoes I might have ever owned- in class III or IV maybe- albeit, mine were black. It amazed me to recollect that I actually had at least one pair of sandals (other than my school shoes, i.e.) bought in my name, year after year, until I was that age. So, it isn’t my parents’ fault that I’m such a lousy dresser now, is it? Hmm. 😕

Today, during a quiet moment, I happened to look down at my feet. When did I grow up to be so big? I have NO idea. Let this be a crazy dream, God. Actually, I’m not sure I’m willing to go all the way back, too.

I’m mumbling, aren’t I? Ah! I can do this. I can. I SO surely can. I can. I will. I am. I am… Phew. I am because I can and it makes me happy– it does- it’s true. I am exactly where I’m meant to be. I’m progressing. This is good. All I need to do is relax a bit more. I’ll be fine. Ah! Writing is therapy. 🙂

Until next time, au revoir folks! Be good.