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“I want to be me AND still win each time”- message sent to: God

27 Oct

I’m trying to sort out my emotions as I begin typing this. 😕 Maybe, I spoke too soon the last time- I realize that I still imagine an ideal world and feel like I’m grating myself, day after day, in the process of finding it.

It takes ALL I possess to be as honest and sincere as I am. Insincerity, deceit, temptation and sin can get strong when everyone else is following it. I’ve known that before, but I’m now reminded of how sapping the effect of its pull can be.

If I bothered asking anyone what they thought of that, they would very easily say, “You’re doing what you’re doing for you. Don’t crib and act like a saint then.” Aha! 😀 😀 (Yep! Sarcastic laughter, indeed.) Very well then folks- point taken. I’m doing all that I’m doing for me. I’m doing it because the morals I’ve learnt are so deeply ingrained in my head that the magnetism of the easy, wrong path might stretch my soul, in an attempt to throw it out of my being; but my heart WILLS relentlessly to stay rooted. I cannot explain that any better and I don’t think you should try comprehending, if what I’ve just said hasn’t made any sense to you at all. Let’s end by saying, we’re different and leave it at that, if required.

Following the right path has had me appear weird, feel unaccepted, get taken for granted, sound whiny/ unsocial/ nutty and as if all of that wasn’t enough, left me speechless on occasions where name-calling would have been easy and extremely justified.

I’m tired and drained- for now. I’ll lie still and get back up on my feet, I know; it’ll be a few hours though. For now, I just want to cry. 😦 Will it change anything? No. I will just have lightened my heart enough to be able to pick up my battles again and fight. Fight, I will; even if like they tell me, all of this goes on to kill me. Am I being stubborn? I don’t think so. Principled? YES.

Where is God when I need him? If he is busy for now, even Gandhiji would do. I’d gladly grab a few pointers on how he went about things being him. Don’t take me wrong. I’m not trying to be him. I’m being me– and take it from me, that’s being a LOT.

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You’re triggering me to have the last laugh!! ;) ;) BEWARE.

12 Oct

Sometimes, when I sit down to write, I wish I knew where to begin. It isn’t easy, yet the solution is straight forward, so often. Why is it that the people in question can’t see it the way I do? Clearly, in my mind, I know that is so, simply because they’re nuts- pure nuts! 😕 Grrr!

Some are evil, some are happily ignorant, some are the cause of my suddenly-rising blood pressure and some others- they’re just not bothered about how the world around them runs or whether it even continues to function at all.

To think of it now, in my quiet solitude, I’m glad that certain events happened as they did. I am glad that I learnt important lessons out of having no other choice. I’m glad I have majority to back me, be it in the confines of the back room behind the scenes. Am I here to change things??? I wish that were possible, to be honest. It would be lovely to have made a difference to the madness that seems to be the norm. It’d be awesome to know that my voice took to the stage, turned off the dimmer switches in everyone’s heads, brought some common sense into the light, threw some ice packs in the direction of my wildly-beating heart to relax me a little and made sure that efficiency wasn’t such an impossible miracle, anymore.

If you’re the person I’m referring to, here or even anything like them, I can tell that you’re probably of the opinion that I’m talking- without any means to a cure- too much and for too long. (Oh yeah! That even, 😕 😕 which, by the way, makes me sick to my stomach. Tell me that you don’t have anything left to say in your defense instead. Tell me that you’re a pathetic loser when it comes to a sensible debate- that’d be telling the facts like they are, for a change, don’t you think?!) But sadly for your kind, I have solutions- simple ones, that if allowed, would go on to create a wave of revolution. All it takes to reform things is a peaceful, meaningful- might I add, for good measure- discussion with the ones involved. Listen to their issues, let them prioritize and think up better methods to work things out. What are you afraid of?? Losing your position to people who didn’t even study to become what you did? Tch-tch-tch-tch! It may not be a smooth ride to come to a consensus on certain [most] things in life, nor is change easy on every person’s taste-buds, but the fact that you’re continuously trying makes people feel appreciated. It makes them want to try harder to work things out, given their present circumstances even. Meanness can rock the best designed ship- now, THAT is a fact- take it or leave it!

I am now going to stop this mini-lecture on reform/ my private bashing-session and talk about me instead- because that is what I do, here. Do I care that I am having to surrender to someone else’s bitchiness? [Pardon my language.] Not really– as long as it saves me the trauma of yet another utterly useless, demeaning, DUMB, pukey conversation- I’m well-beyond happy. 😉 😉 I’ll not talk to said person, I’ll stick to my affairs and I’ll mentally rejoice for all eternity to know that they ain’t as good at their job as they think they are/ they ought to be. For once in my life, I’m learning to not expect better things in the future, while running away from my present, as fast as I can, towards a non-existent mirage. Life is and will be as we know it now. I am changing, my attitude is looking up, my way of responding to life’s challenges is improving- and my heart? It’s got to grow like never before! So, there’s still work to do in that department. I am teaching myself that there is a vast difference between an opinion and a judgement that one can form. I am practicing humor– which, for a change, is not of the sarcastic kind alone! (Yeah! Yeah! Think what you will! 😀 I ain’t stopping no one!)

It might not be a pretty picture, but I’ll last. This ain’t anywhere close to the end of me. Umm hmm. No, it ain’t! 🙂 There’s so much I’m beginning to do with my life. I’m mixing fun with the nastyness. I’m bringing back joy into my life. I’m roping in learning, knowledge and understanding to replace the anxiety, panic-attacks, stress, tears and bitterness. I am embracing pride and firing shame from the place it had usurped for so long. I am making certain that truth wins over conniving lies wrapped in greasy filth. If God exists, if the legends I’ve heard as a child are true at all, if goodness comes unto good people- I’ll win hands down- of that, I’m sure!

*****

P.S- Have you ever seen untimely rain?

Maybe, it is the universe wanting to scream out in fury because people refuse to see the obvious, so often. The struggles we fight aren’t within us alone, ’cause WE are far greater than who we actually recognize ourselves as being.

The world around us is an extension of our spirit. It contains a part of us that lights up with our growth, that fumes with us, cries with us, laughs with us and breathes with us. It is true what I read on my good blog-friend’s facebook account, recently- …if anything matters, then everything matters. Because you’re important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, My purposes are accomplished and NOTHING will be the same again.” William P. Young (The Shack).

… If anything matters, we matter. And nothing will EVER be the same again… Don’t you just love that? I am in ♥LOVE♥ with that line- it’s like I can breathe it in the air, feel it in my veins and see it exploding in my heart in pure bliss to give rise to a million happy smiles. Aww! The combination makes me want to tear up!

WE MATTER. 🙂 The roar in our hearts thunders out loud. Time talks when our silence makes it seem like we’ve quit. God lives- it’s true- to me, at least.

Have a BEA-U-TIFUL day, everybody!! I know I will. 🙂 🙂 🙂

xoxo

Insincerity is a disease that spreads faster than stinky slime

6 Aug

Recovery from being a verbal abuser is tough. To know that, to gain command over your thoughts out of sheer will power and then, to watch the dam of your patience starting to give way; the cracks in it dribbling every few seconds, polluting the waters in your world, is downright depressing.

But what do you do when teamwork becomes your boss? What about when the Hippocratic oath seems like another consent form everyone seems to have signed blindly (as part of the lousy herd-mentality that came free with their cluster disorder package) just to get their greedy hands on that coveted degree? Working hard and struggling to clean the filth in society is all fine; but how about the times when you’re covering the greasy muck with a blanket of your sincerity, honesty and dizziness-inducing, arduous labor, yet have no scope to get noticed for the same? You may not demand appreciation because you do what you do for your satisfaction, but what if, much to your chagrin, you’re treated with the same disgust and disdain that every duty-shirking, money-hungry, (use explicit swear word, here) cheating, scheming, seeming-quack voluntarily asks for?

I cannot work under a slime-covered carpet, incessantly toiling to make it shine; while everyone walks left, right and center through the holes they’ve dug in it, to escape their dues. I’ll run about with disinfectant all over the place, all on my own if I need to, but when it is clean, pose with that mop in hand, I will- whether you care to look in my direction or not.

They talk of wanting to wipe out corruption in the comfort of their cozy dens, yet fail miserably to realize that they are one of the key ingredients of that same well-oiled machine- who are they kidding? Or maybe, this is part of their cover-up, too and I’ve only just taken time to look through their veil- one can never know for sure, right? I feel bad when my bubble breaks and am not sure I want to grow up, anymore- I’d rather go back to Primary School, where they lied to me in books about fairness, justice and equality, through soul-nourishing stories, overflowing with truth, valor, wit and bravery. In watching these infected mice run like they do- hour after hour, in seeing the fury in me wanting to emulate their deceiving ways in order to trick them, to give them a taste of their own medicine; I hate to see what I allow myself to become, albeit for a few minutes, in the innermost depths of my mind. However, a few hours of well-deserved sleep have snapped me back to my senses.

I may not have the answers to this riddle yet; but I know that I can continue to do my part because one person STILL matters. I might not turn out to be half as rich as them, but God will take care of me- that much, He can do. The tears that start to spill out even as I type that last sentence remind me of how I had begun to look at life so controllingly in the past day or two. I had forgotten the meaning of the line my Mum repeats to me often- “Do your best and leave the rest to God.” That may seem like no solution in reality, but for my heart, today, there ain’t no better cure. Thank goodness for the goodness that prevails despite every test. I’m glad that I have a place to vent in the open, refreshing air to breathe and water to gulp down the lumps that occasionally form in my throat. It is no wonder to me now, that rest is king. Get good sleep, people! 🙂 It makes life a hundred, thousand-fold better; trust me!

Thanks for listening. Au revoir!

Self-pride v/s The ways of the world

25 Jun

So much happens through high-strung connections in the world; be it getting into the perfect college, landing an interview, bagging a job, settling into a cushy career, snapping up exclusive business-deals, obtaining freebies (haha, 🙂 yes that too!) or finding a random associate of a friend’s distant, unheard-of relative who’ll lead you to just the thing you need.

I know there are people who’ll say, “What’s the point of having friends and family who won’t be there for you when you actually need the support, the guidance or the gentle push?” I am aware that most of them think of aid as just a smooth landing onto their initial platform; beyond which they’re on their own. That’s true and amounts to a great start, if you’re okay with it.

I’ll confess. I’m guilty of having accepted assistance when I’ve been in desperate conditions, myself. Whether I asked for it or not, help was at hand and was received. I can soften my heart when it comes to me and say, “Oh, it was a very small favor.” No, it wasn’t! No help is too small or too big; it is just right for the moment. Or I could say, “God placed them there for me at the right time.” Maybe. That answer, matter-of-factly, soothes my senses.

Yes, one might return the favor someday or do something else to show their sincere gratitude; I’m not here to debate on what is the better thing to do.

I’m just asking myself, “Would my pride permit me to accept help when I haven’t earned it on my own merit?” They say that, at times, you’ve got to drop your ego aside and just ask. Is it too small a deal- the asking? Really? Why does my heart not think so?

I know why I like doing things on my own, actually. It isn’t an ego issue or worse, if you’re thinking, a superiority complex. If you know me, you won’t even doubt that. I just like being able to face the mirror at the end of my day, to look myself in the eye and say, “Girl, you did it! And I am proud!” 🙂 I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything in the world.

Would you call that being too principled or too vain? I don’t know.