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“I want to be me AND still win each time”- message sent to: God

27 Oct

I’m trying to sort out my emotions as I begin typing this. 😕 Maybe, I spoke too soon the last time- I realize that I still imagine an ideal world and feel like I’m grating myself, day after day, in the process of finding it.

It takes ALL I possess to be as honest and sincere as I am. Insincerity, deceit, temptation and sin can get strong when everyone else is following it. I’ve known that before, but I’m now reminded of how sapping the effect of its pull can be.

If I bothered asking anyone what they thought of that, they would very easily say, “You’re doing what you’re doing for you. Don’t crib and act like a saint then.” Aha! 😀 😀 (Yep! Sarcastic laughter, indeed.) Very well then folks- point taken. I’m doing all that I’m doing for me. I’m doing it because the morals I’ve learnt are so deeply ingrained in my head that the magnetism of the easy, wrong path might stretch my soul, in an attempt to throw it out of my being; but my heart WILLS relentlessly to stay rooted. I cannot explain that any better and I don’t think you should try comprehending, if what I’ve just said hasn’t made any sense to you at all. Let’s end by saying, we’re different and leave it at that, if required.

Following the right path has had me appear weird, feel unaccepted, get taken for granted, sound whiny/ unsocial/ nutty and as if all of that wasn’t enough, left me speechless on occasions where name-calling would have been easy and extremely justified.

I’m tired and drained- for now. I’ll lie still and get back up on my feet, I know; it’ll be a few hours though. For now, I just want to cry. 😦 Will it change anything? No. I will just have lightened my heart enough to be able to pick up my battles again and fight. Fight, I will; even if like they tell me, all of this goes on to kill me. Am I being stubborn? I don’t think so. Principled? YES.

Where is God when I need him? If he is busy for now, even Gandhiji would do. I’d gladly grab a few pointers on how he went about things being him. Don’t take me wrong. I’m not trying to be him. I’m being me– and take it from me, that’s being a LOT.

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Looking beyond what is

15 Oct

It’s been a hard evening- let’s rephrase that- it’s been a strenuous evening for me. I’ve made peace with a lot of stressful people, today. I’ve matured. No, it isn’t that I’ve resigned, nor is it that I think of myself as being ready to take on the load of the entire universe upon my able shoulders- I have just learnt to be ‘okay’ (in the true sense of the word) with everything that isn’t in my control. I’m happier to focus on me- my goodness, sincerity and hard-work come to the fore, as they so rightly should. I observe the ones that I’m surrounded by- so often, I know what they’re up to. I’m not the once-naive girl who’d walked out of home with rose-colored dreams clouding her vision, anymore. [Not quite. 😉 Haha! Give me some credit, will you?!] I am over my agitation phase. What is just is.

I can look at everyone’s positives and magnify them in my head. Their negatives aren’t my concern now, are they?? [Unless they’re harming me, of course! In that case, I’m definitely STILL looking daggers at them!! 😀 :D] They’ve chosen to live their lives a certain way and I ought not to stop them. I am here to grow, to walk towards my greater purpose, to learn, to mature, to accept, to spread as much love, kindness and positivity as I can muster each day. My purposes are unique and I am designed as I have been to fulfil them in the best way possible. I have begun to realize that I am good. I have begun to see the Light there is in me. I am grateful because I know that I couldn’t have asked for more.

Thinking back to the ethics and professionalism that I was so defensive about earlier; I understand NOW that everyone is trying his/her best, at all times. Everyone has his/her limitations. They all get fatigued, worn-out and land up feeling over-worked. They all struggle with accepting their mistakes, while wallowing in self-pity, originating from sheer lack of praise, appreciation and gratitude for the services they have rendered to those around them. Several, if not most, have closed down their hearts with tight nuts and bolts of unloving messages like, “I know that I’ll get shouted at whether or not I do the job. So, why should I even care?” Justified, aren’t they?? Wouldn’t we all end up with similar thoughts? I know that I do, too, ever so often.

“What cannot be cured, must be endured” is what my Mother would say to this. But the fact is: far greater than the loss we face with efficiency dying down is the stigma we’ve attached to this someone’s self-pride. This person has now been made to feel sub-standard for all of his life. It WILL, more likely than not, spread to other areas of his living. It might get passed on to his/her kids because the environment we live in is where we all learn. We’re teaching so many others through this one person how they must look at their lives in turn. We’re propagating that one can never be good enough. We’re sending out a mass appeal to everyone who will listen to not even bother trying because it’ll simply be a waste of their time, effort, blood, sweat and tears. Am I blowing things out of proportion with my theory here? I don’t think so.

Put yourself in place of this person I’m referring to- if this were YOUR one chance to live life as you know it now, if YOU were the one being deprived of living with the full knowledge of how competent, powerful, resourceful, one-of-a-kind, precious, rare and IRREPLACEABLE you are- trust me, you’d be upset. You’d feel cheated. So would the ones who love you because they’d have taken your word for it on how the world around us all functions. I’m pretty certain you don’t love that picture, do you?? Or Do you? 😕

How do I propose we correct this? [Believe me when I tell you that I think up solutions, too, ever so often, rather than just being an empty noise-box that rattles on and on, endlessly.] At our own individual levels, we could try this- if their ain’t anything positive to say, we could all stay mum about it once we’ve thrown it out of our hearts/minds and made peace with it. That would put a full-stop to some of the pessimism that gets carried forward only to multiply as it stretches on. We could all say a kind word to the ones we meet when humanly possible. I might sound crazy to a few; but all of this is what has made me a happier person. It has become my only reason to wake up each morning and look forward to a brand new opportunity to light up another life- needless to mention, it all ends with me brightening my own.

More than enough for a day, huh?! I hear ya! Catch you later then!

P.S.- There are people who think I don’t talk much. Do you think you’d want to go help them get the picture right?! 😉 If nothing else, I hope you guys are coming to realize just how very lucky you’ll are turning out to be!

When “greenery” finds a new meaning :-/

30 Jul

We work. We earn. The greener our perspectives become, I start to wonder where all the nobility went. It probably got tossed out the window the moment we realized we’re human, that we have needs, dreams, ambitions and desires, too. It’s a shame that our sincerity, dedication, talents, skills, education and determination to succeed are, for lack of a better option, put out there on scales of comparison, awarded tokens- silver, gold or platinum and allowed to become larger than who we really are as people- you and I.

Don’t you just begin to cringe internally, when you find yourself scowling and wondering, “Ow! He/she can’t be making that much money with merely that level of schooling. This is unfair- to me!” And yet, the fact is- we all do. Why can’t we ALL live in spacious homes, with enough dough on the table to run the show forever, with the freedom to study/work/be whatever/whoever/wherever we have always wanted and to settle wherever we deem perfect- just like that? (meaning- of course, no do-or-die exam terror, no visa hassles, no will-they-accept-my-application stress, no crying-over-the-best-job-there-is-out-there, no oh!-I-want-to-be-normal-like-everyone-else-too and no ow!-what-will-they-think-of-me rubbish; making that list as short as possible.) Why can’t we have all of this and not have to worry about disease or affliction ever coming upon our close ones (I know that would put my profession as a Medical Doctor in jeopardy, but isn’t that the ultimate rosy-eyed goal of every physician that ever enrolled into first year of Medical school?), while still being exactly who we are, while still wanting to succeed in each of our endeavors every single day (instead of simply greedily grabbing everything presented to us on multiple platters) and while continuing to be as driven towards a better world and a better tomorrow, as we are today?? WHY? Why can’t we have it all? I want it all. I do. I WANT abundant goodness.

I understand that I’m being impractical; thank you, but I don’t want to be hearing any of it- not just yet. I’m not ready to let go of my childhood, it’s (probably silly) fantasies and fairy-tale stories- knowing me, maybe, I never will. Am I trying to challenge God and His plans? No. Been there, done that; the good thing being, I know now that sooner or later, His Plans make utmost sense. So, I can ramble, argue and throw all the tantrums I want to, but there’ll come a day when I’ll roll my eyes at the naiveté that I’m being as I type this, today. Ah! Life! Why does it have to be this whole learn-grow-keep growing cycle? At least 7 times in each of my days, I hear myself screaming aloud, “God! Whatever were you thinking?” I can almost see Him laughing at me in response each time. He has surely gotten used to my madness, in every way thinkable and yes, long gotten over His initial shock to see what became of His once-tiny creation, too- I realize that despite my current state of mind; so, thank you for giving me some credit. (taking a bow!)

I’m complaining, inconclusive, adamant, (add hungry) right now; but I’ll be okay because we’re all ALWAYS okay, eventually. Phew. To be able to love who we are despite ourselves- that is exactly why God is God, you know? I think that’s simply amazing. (“Message delivered, brownie points earned! Yesss!” Haha! I kid, but thankfully, that totally lightens me up. :D)

Until another day, sayonara folks!