Look out- those footprints grow!

7 Oct

Three days ago, somewhere in the midst of the Navratri festival, I saw a little girl of about 8 or 9, strutting around on the streets in golden heels, racing in tow with her Mom. That made me literally stop in my tracks and wonder about the last pair of fancy shoes I might have ever owned- in class III or IV maybe- albeit, mine were black. It amazed me to recollect that I actually had at least one pair of sandals (other than my school shoes, i.e.) bought in my name, year after year, until I was that age. So, it isn’t my parents’ fault that I’m such a lousy dresser now, is it? Hmm. 😕

Today, during a quiet moment, I happened to look down at my feet. When did I grow up to be so big? I have NO idea. Let this be a crazy dream, God. Actually, I’m not sure I’m willing to go all the way back, too.

I’m mumbling, aren’t I? Ah! I can do this. I can. I SO surely can. I can. I will. I am. I am… Phew. I am because I can and it makes me happy– it does- it’s true. I am exactly where I’m meant to be. I’m progressing. This is good. All I need to do is relax a bit more. I’ll be fine. Ah! Writing is therapy. 🙂

Until next time, au revoir folks! Be good.

The randomness that gets me through potholes of madness

27 Sep

Now, because I promised myself that I’d take more time to do things that I love doing and the things that make me happy, here I am, back again. Surprised?? Good!

One day prior to now, I might have received my greatest compliment in recent times. “You look just like Sharmila, my daughter… (I swear, I beamed enough to give the moon a complex.) She’s 40.” Ahem! Why yes Auntyji, thank you VERY much! That’s exactly what I needed to hear in my current state of mind, I thought. How very kind! 😀 I’m certain women read facial expressions far better than men do though and I’m right, too, because she was rather quick to top that with, “Of course, she’s much older than you.” Thank God for a higher emotional quotient in our kind, wouldn’t you say?! Phew.

Too much to do, all at once is beyond irritating; yet nothing to do is undeniably worse than a day not lived- I can assure you of that first hand- it is punishment, in my own words from the day I had to endure what I’m talking about. To think of it the way I imagine God must think of it, (if He does indeed think like me, that is ;)) we’re all just plain greedy. But then again, fulfilling work would surely make everyone feel better about a major bulk of everything in their lives, right? “Holy Lord! Does such a thing exist?” (Don’t waste time wondering about whether or not I’m still talking to you because I totally am. Look wonder-struck and question that with me.) “If it does exist, dear God, please know that I’m standing pretty much first in line in search of my tour guide. Seriously. Thank you. Yours truly, ME. P.S. No, I am not complaining and I still think of you as my friend.” As for you guys, don’t copy my lines when you pray because honestly, I’d rather that you be second, third or fourth in line. Deal?

Yesterday evening, I happened to see a middle-aged man walking on a busy street in fluorescent yellow pants and a light checkered shirt. 🙂 Yep! You can laugh first because I did, too. No, he did not look mentally unwell. Did he care about who thought what of him? Not that I could tell. Did he want to look better than every other teenage kid in town? I don’t think so. Did he look like he was cribbing about a more respected life that God probably hadn’t chosen for him just yet? Not really. Do I know him? No. Will I ever see him again? Most likely, not. But he taught me to feel beautiful in myself. That one sighting of him changed at least a few pages in the story of my life. I’m grateful.

When the Doctor needs a Doctor

24 Sep

It’s important for me to write this piece, today. Reason: I don’t like that the archives on both my blogs have nothing to boast of in the month of September. This can’t be! How did this happen to me?? Ah! Never mind! (because I want to defend myself. :D) I want to mention the innumerable times in this gap, when I’ve formed posts in my head, only to see them getting washed over by the waves of the next emotion I’d happen to experience. (Note to self- I need to be able to blog on the go, soon enough.) It’s a pity that happened, but I’m still here and that’s all that matters to make sure this story struts along happily to the finish!

Time has fatigued me in the past month or so and made me feel more like a worn-out wash-cloth awaiting it’s long due rinse in its shiny new bubble bath that it oh-so-truly deserves. Am I cribbing? Oh-oh. Ahem! Not; not at all in fact. (Liar me! ;)) I’m just soaking in my spare moments, giving myself a hearty pat on my back and telling myself, “Girl, you’ve done well! You’ve done so incredibly well! And I am so very proud of you!” True, this.

It’s crazy. Life is crazy; if you allow yourself to melt into the background of your own narrative. Stamp your face like a watermark on every single page of every little chapter there is in there and remind yourself of who ought to be calling the cards each day. What does it matter what anyone else says, thinks or feels? What do YOU feel? Why do you feel a certain thing? What can you do to better it for yourself? It ain’t impossible. No! It ain’t.

Look at me. I feel the need to work on my confidence and presentation. (We’re all beautiful- we just need to be able to see it in ourselves and trying is where ALL the success is.) I am teaching myself a lesson in being more forthright, while understanding that it doesn’t take away from me, my niceness. It is okay to feel vulnerable when someone critiques you; yet it’s important to be grateful for all they’ve bothered telling you, to still continue to see them in good light, to become better in your thoughts if you are to bring about any change in your behavior at all due to what you’ve now learnt and to appreciate yourself for remaining classy through it all, without getting your dirty linen out in public to beat the grime out of- that’s what I’m busy engraving into my skull.

Bring the love back into your lives, people! I know I have begun to. 🙂 And it’s bound to be a miracle. Let’s do this! [I will be back sooner than you’re thinking, by the way! Caught ya!! 😀 Quit judging, will you?!]

Reading the waves on the ECG of life- someday soon, it’ll talk!

18 Aug

I’m in a happy place, today. 🙂 🙂 Amidst bubble-breathing cartoons painted on dreary walls, I’ve found friends I wouldn’t have believed I’d find. Do I still believe that I have? I’m not sure. It’s like I asked them yesterday, “Are you for real?” As crazy as this might sound, they’ve brought my heart immense happiness and I’m content with just that for today. “Take it one step at a time”– this line has come to me from several friends and family on very many occasions- it must be God shaking sense into my head; I want to be obedient when it comes to Him, so that’s exactly what I’m going to be doing.

I could still ask some of the crazy questions I’ve been asking all week now, aka “What might God want me to do with my life?”, “What’s with the hormones? Holy Lord! WHY?”, my usual personal favorite, “Whatever were you thinking, God?”, “Why are some people, a good section of boys I’ve met definitely included, so terribly rude? Seriously, what’s with that?” or “Surely people in the world could be nicer than that, couldn’t they?” But I’m not asking any of those things- not right now, because I’m at peace. 😉 [I can bet God is feeling relieved!] My answers are coming to me- some of which, I already know. The human race is weird- it really is; I’m glad I have my connections with the divine.

Every time that I attempt thinking back, I don’t understand how I’ve let uncool events progress as much as they did. It’s time to loosen up more. It’s time to take things I’ve been allowing to weigh me down, lightly- really lightly. I’m 25; I want to be funner, freer and a LOT happier, to relish every moment of every day that life gives me, to trust more, to be okay with every limb of the asterix, to know truly that the route I’m being taken along is the path to my true purpose, to be proud of each milestone I cross and above all, to learn to love and forgive myself plentifully more than I already do.

If I were left to do things my way, I’d be hopping from one major thing on that list to the next like a grasshopper on a winning spree- all in a few hours, like I have done mentally several times 😀 but I’m a child of God, He has plans for me that He might/might not have told me yet, I trust Him and I will certainly shut-up and follow because I choose to be wiser than I have been.

Writing this post has felt good; I can literally feel peaceful harmonies from the universe wafting through my being. I hope everybody else in the world attains their best, today, too; this is me signing off, sending peace and love to everyone!

Insincerity is a disease that spreads faster than stinky slime

6 Aug

Recovery from being a verbal abuser is tough. To know that, to gain command over your thoughts out of sheer will power and then, to watch the dam of your patience starting to give way; the cracks in it dribbling every few seconds, polluting the waters in your world, is downright depressing.

But what do you do when teamwork becomes your boss? What about when the Hippocratic oath seems like another consent form everyone seems to have signed blindly (as part of the lousy herd-mentality that came free with their cluster disorder package) just to get their greedy hands on that coveted degree? Working hard and struggling to clean the filth in society is all fine; but how about the times when you’re covering the greasy muck with a blanket of your sincerity, honesty and dizziness-inducing, arduous labor, yet have no scope to get noticed for the same? You may not demand appreciation because you do what you do for your satisfaction, but what if, much to your chagrin, you’re treated with the same disgust and disdain that every duty-shirking, money-hungry, (use explicit swear word, here) cheating, scheming, seeming-quack voluntarily asks for?

I cannot work under a slime-covered carpet, incessantly toiling to make it shine; while everyone walks left, right and center through the holes they’ve dug in it, to escape their dues. I’ll run about with disinfectant all over the place, all on my own if I need to, but when it is clean, pose with that mop in hand, I will- whether you care to look in my direction or not.

They talk of wanting to wipe out corruption in the comfort of their cozy dens, yet fail miserably to realize that they are one of the key ingredients of that same well-oiled machine- who are they kidding? Or maybe, this is part of their cover-up, too and I’ve only just taken time to look through their veil- one can never know for sure, right? I feel bad when my bubble breaks and am not sure I want to grow up, anymore- I’d rather go back to Primary School, where they lied to me in books about fairness, justice and equality, through soul-nourishing stories, overflowing with truth, valor, wit and bravery. In watching these infected mice run like they do- hour after hour, in seeing the fury in me wanting to emulate their deceiving ways in order to trick them, to give them a taste of their own medicine; I hate to see what I allow myself to become, albeit for a few minutes, in the innermost depths of my mind. However, a few hours of well-deserved sleep have snapped me back to my senses.

I may not have the answers to this riddle yet; but I know that I can continue to do my part because one person STILL matters. I might not turn out to be half as rich as them, but God will take care of me- that much, He can do. The tears that start to spill out even as I type that last sentence remind me of how I had begun to look at life so controllingly in the past day or two. I had forgotten the meaning of the line my Mum repeats to me often- “Do your best and leave the rest to God.” That may seem like no solution in reality, but for my heart, today, there ain’t no better cure. Thank goodness for the goodness that prevails despite every test. I’m glad that I have a place to vent in the open, refreshing air to breathe and water to gulp down the lumps that occasionally form in my throat. It is no wonder to me now, that rest is king. Get good sleep, people! 🙂 It makes life a hundred, thousand-fold better; trust me!

Thanks for listening. Au revoir!

When “greenery” finds a new meaning :-/

30 Jul

We work. We earn. The greener our perspectives become, I start to wonder where all the nobility went. It probably got tossed out the window the moment we realized we’re human, that we have needs, dreams, ambitions and desires, too. It’s a shame that our sincerity, dedication, talents, skills, education and determination to succeed are, for lack of a better option, put out there on scales of comparison, awarded tokens- silver, gold or platinum and allowed to become larger than who we really are as people- you and I.

Don’t you just begin to cringe internally, when you find yourself scowling and wondering, “Ow! He/she can’t be making that much money with merely that level of schooling. This is unfair- to me!” And yet, the fact is- we all do. Why can’t we ALL live in spacious homes, with enough dough on the table to run the show forever, with the freedom to study/work/be whatever/whoever/wherever we have always wanted and to settle wherever we deem perfect- just like that? (meaning- of course, no do-or-die exam terror, no visa hassles, no will-they-accept-my-application stress, no crying-over-the-best-job-there-is-out-there, no oh!-I-want-to-be-normal-like-everyone-else-too and no ow!-what-will-they-think-of-me rubbish; making that list as short as possible.) Why can’t we have all of this and not have to worry about disease or affliction ever coming upon our close ones (I know that would put my profession as a Medical Doctor in jeopardy, but isn’t that the ultimate rosy-eyed goal of every physician that ever enrolled into first year of Medical school?), while still being exactly who we are, while still wanting to succeed in each of our endeavors every single day (instead of simply greedily grabbing everything presented to us on multiple platters) and while continuing to be as driven towards a better world and a better tomorrow, as we are today?? WHY? Why can’t we have it all? I want it all. I do. I WANT abundant goodness.

I understand that I’m being impractical; thank you, but I don’t want to be hearing any of it- not just yet. I’m not ready to let go of my childhood, it’s (probably silly) fantasies and fairy-tale stories- knowing me, maybe, I never will. Am I trying to challenge God and His plans? No. Been there, done that; the good thing being, I know now that sooner or later, His Plans make utmost sense. So, I can ramble, argue and throw all the tantrums I want to, but there’ll come a day when I’ll roll my eyes at the naiveté that I’m being as I type this, today. Ah! Life! Why does it have to be this whole learn-grow-keep growing cycle? At least 7 times in each of my days, I hear myself screaming aloud, “God! Whatever were you thinking?” I can almost see Him laughing at me in response each time. He has surely gotten used to my madness, in every way thinkable and yes, long gotten over His initial shock to see what became of His once-tiny creation, too- I realize that despite my current state of mind; so, thank you for giving me some credit. (taking a bow!)

I’m complaining, inconclusive, adamant, (add hungry) right now; but I’ll be okay because we’re all ALWAYS okay, eventually. Phew. To be able to love who we are despite ourselves- that is exactly why God is God, you know? I think that’s simply amazing. (“Message delivered, brownie points earned! Yesss!” Haha! I kid, but thankfully, that totally lightens me up. :D)

Until another day, sayonara folks!

Self-pride v/s The ways of the world

25 Jun

So much happens through high-strung connections in the world; be it getting into the perfect college, landing an interview, bagging a job, settling into a cushy career, snapping up exclusive business-deals, obtaining freebies (haha, 🙂 yes that too!) or finding a random associate of a friend’s distant, unheard-of relative who’ll lead you to just the thing you need.

I know there are people who’ll say, “What’s the point of having friends and family who won’t be there for you when you actually need the support, the guidance or the gentle push?” I am aware that most of them think of aid as just a smooth landing onto their initial platform; beyond which they’re on their own. That’s true and amounts to a great start, if you’re okay with it.

I’ll confess. I’m guilty of having accepted assistance when I’ve been in desperate conditions, myself. Whether I asked for it or not, help was at hand and was received. I can soften my heart when it comes to me and say, “Oh, it was a very small favor.” No, it wasn’t! No help is too small or too big; it is just right for the moment. Or I could say, “God placed them there for me at the right time.” Maybe. That answer, matter-of-factly, soothes my senses.

Yes, one might return the favor someday or do something else to show their sincere gratitude; I’m not here to debate on what is the better thing to do.

I’m just asking myself, “Would my pride permit me to accept help when I haven’t earned it on my own merit?” They say that, at times, you’ve got to drop your ego aside and just ask. Is it too small a deal- the asking? Really? Why does my heart not think so?

I know why I like doing things on my own, actually. It isn’t an ego issue or worse, if you’re thinking, a superiority complex. If you know me, you won’t even doubt that. I just like being able to face the mirror at the end of my day, to look myself in the eye and say, “Girl, you did it! And I am proud!” 🙂 I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything in the world.

Would you call that being too principled or too vain? I don’t know.